Big Feelings, Big Opportunities: Understanding Emotional Reactions and What to Do
You spill a little coffee, and suddenly your whole day feels ruined. Your child gets the “wrong” color marker and dissolves into a puddle of fury. You try to be the calm one, but inside, you're one Cheez-It away from a full meltdown, yourself. Emotional regulation, anyone?
Spoiler: Big feelings happen to everyone and they’re definitely not just about deep breathing.
🧠 Why Emotional Regulation Feels So Hard Sometimes
Emotional regulation is your brain’s ability to notice a feeling, stay with it, and respond appropriately (instead of, say, throwing something). When executive functioning is lagging, even mild frustration can become a 3-act drama.
Kids aren’t born knowing how to regulate emotions. And many adults were never really taught how to either. You might have been told to “calm down” or “stop crying.”
According to the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, these skills take time, modeling, and support to develop and are deeply impacted by stress, trauma, and neurodiversity.
🚩 Signs Someone’s Emotionally Dysregulated (Besides, You Know… Screaming)
Huge reactions to minor issues (spilled milk = apocalyptic)
Staying in “fight or flight” long after the trigger
Trouble naming what they feel
Avoidance or shutdown (emotions feel too overwhelming to handle)
And yes, adults often do these things too. We just call it “being in a mood” or “needing a minute,” or even using coping mechanisms that may not work help in the long run (i.e., retail therapy, risky behaviors, etc.)
🔧 Strategies That Work
1. Validate Before You Fix
Telling someone to “calm down” is like asking a tornado to take a nap. Instead, try:
“That’s a bummer. I hear you.”
Validation helps the nervous system feel safe enough to start regulating.
2. Use the Body to Calm the Brain
Regulation starts in the nervous system — not just the mind. Try:
Cold water on the hands/face
Squeezing a pillow
Heavy work (pushing a wall, carrying books)
Box breathing: In for 4, hold 4, out 4, hold 4
Singing, dancing, shaking it out (Bonus: being goofy 🤪)
🧪 Backed by research on Dance Movement Therapy (Zhang, Wei 2024):
NIH: The Role of Dance Movement Therapy in Enhancing Emotional Regulation: A Literature Review
3. Emotion Charts Are For Everybody
If a kid says they’re “mad,” they might actually be disappointed, hurt, or anxious. Adults too. Use visuals, a feelings wheel, or word banks to expand their emotional vocabulary.
(You can also mirror the faces on Pixar’s Inside Out if that’s your style!)
4. Plan for Big Feelings, Not Just Emergencies
Have a “regulation plan” the same way you have a fire drill plan. Ask:
What helps you calm down?
What can you do if someone else is upset?
Where can you go to feel safe?
For me, it’s belting “Have You Ever Seen The Rain,” by Creedence Clearwater Revival (something about that vibe 🎶🎤😌)
By having a well-rehearsed plan or a written list, you’ll bypass needing to remember the steps, identify a solution, and do all the things in an intense moment. Instead, refer to your plan and follow-through, helping reduce cognitive load, while also gaining emotional safety, self-confidence, and self-reliance.
📚 Want to Learn More?
How Can We Help Kids With Self- Regulation- Child Mind Institute
9 Science-Based Emotional Regulation Skills– Psychology Today
🧩 Final Thoughts
Regulation doesn’t mean being “calm all the time.” It means recovering from big emotions without needing to scream, cry, or block someone on Instagram. Whether you’re 6 or 36, learning to ride the emotional wave, without going under, is one of the most powerful skills you can build.
